


Miraculous Ladybug - Baguette

by miraculousjohnlock



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: AAAAAA, F/M, I'm Going To Hell For This, M/M, Other, PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS TOO SERIOUSLY ITS A JOKE OK, Screaming, don't worry i can also write actual stuff, shrek is life, shrek is love, this is definitely aged up alright, this is the weirdest thing i've ever written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-29
Updated: 2016-04-29
Packaged: 2018-06-05 05:36:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6691711
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/miraculousjohnlock/pseuds/miraculousjohnlock
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chat Noir is on a date with Monsieur Croissant. Various things happen.<br/>If you are innocent and/or faint of heart PLEASE do not read this oh god</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miraculous Ladybug - Baguette

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE DON'T TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY  
> BTW THE CHARACTERS ARE DEFINITELY AGED UP

“Are you enjoying our date?”

“Yes, Monsieur Croissant,” grinned Chat Noir eagerly. The two were sitting together under the stars, on top of a picnic blanket. Monsieur Croissant had chosen the peaceful field they were sitting in— it had a special place in his heart, as he had spent many a day frolicking here with his 2,958 siblings when they were young. 

“Aren’t the stars pretty tonight?” breathed Monsieur Croissant in wonder, staring up at the sky. Chat Noir licked him, making greedy slurping noises. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Chat ignored that last question. “You know what else is beautiful?” he asked, taking a break from the slurping to gaze up at Monsieur Croissant.

A blush stole across Monsieur Croissant’s face. “…No, what?”

“Your penis!”

Monsieur Croissant inhaled sharply. “But… but you’ve never even seen it!”

“You’re a fucking croissant, dumbass! You don’t wear clothes! Of course I’ve seen your fucking penis!” Chat cried. “I don’t even know why you have one! You’re a piece of food!” Then he stopped looking up at Monsieur Croissant’s face and dropped his gaze down to the dick. He licked his lips for a moment, then pulled the two of them up onto their feet.

Monsieur Croissant gasped and his boner rose up from down below as Chat Noir dropped to his knees in front of him. “I’ve always wanted to take your wonderful, buttery cock in my mouth,” he breathed seductively. 

“Oui oui eiffel tower baguette!” Monsieur croissant screamed with pleasure as Chat wrapped his mouth around the pastry dick. For a few moments, all was going well; Monsieur Croissant was having a great time. But then, Chat went a bit too hard and the next thing he knew, M. Croissant’s cock had come off in his mouth. 

“BAGUETTE!” cried Monsieur Croissant as he realised what had happened. “You fucking idiot! You ate my dick!” 

“I’m sorry!” Chat whimpered, his voice somewhat distorted because of the pastry penis that was in his mouth. He started crying when he saw how angry his dear Monsieur Croissant was, then he gulped. But that was a mistake. Because when he gulped, Monsieur Croissant’s precious dick went down his throat and into his stomach.

“You DUMBASS!” screamed Monsieur Croissant. Chat was weeping hysterically by this point. “YOU SWALLOWED MY PENIS!” He was enraged. He tackled Chat Noir to the ground and pried his mouth wide open. “I am going to get that thing out of there if it KILLS you!” But at that moment, they both heard a familiar voice coming from behind them. 

“What is going on?!” Ladybug shouted.  
Chat Noir took advantage of Monsieur Croissant’s temporary confusion to tear the hands from his mouth. “Ladybug! Save me!” he screamed, the tears of pain and fear running down his face. 

“NO! Don’t save this little shit! HE ATE MY PENIS!” yelled Monsieur Croissant in anger. He reopened Chat’s mouth and plunged a hand down his throat. “Must… Have… My… COCK!” he screamed.

“What the fUCK? How did his dick get down there? Actually, forget it. I don’t want to know,” said Ladybug, who was very disturbed by this point. She ran to leave, but Monsieur Croissant shot out a hand which grabbed her shoulder and stopped her. “Let me go, you deranged piece of pastry!”

“No, stay. I can’t pull it out of his throat, so you will join me in cutting open his stomach,” he said with a menacing grin. 

“NO! That’s ridiculous! You are going to kill him. And his life is more important than your slimy little cock!” she yelled, horrified. 

“If you will not help me recapture my original penis…. you will provide a replacement.”

“Well, I suppose my paren--- some people I know run a bakery, and they could make you a new one,” Ladybug said thoughtfully. “Although that might seem like a strange request—“

“That’s not what I meant. I have suddenly experienced a strong urging for a penis made from real human flesh. I will cut off your left tit and make it my new cock.”

“What?? My left tit does not even vaguely resemble a cock!”

“Close enough,” growled Monsieur Croissant, and he sank his teeth into the targeted titty. But alas, it did not work. Teeth that are made of pastry have not exactly been evolved for biting through titty flesh. His mouth simply slid off. 

“You pervert!” screamed Ladybug, holding her aching boob. “Don’t touch me!”

Just then, they heard a loud voice coming from  
behind them. “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY SWAMP!??” Shrek screamed. 

“Shrek? What are you doing here! This isn’t even a swamp, for fuck’s sake,” groaned Ladybug. This day was just getting weirder and weirder.

“Well, it sort of looks like one…”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“Well, get out anyway!”

Then Monsieur Croissant spoke up, with a crafty tone in his voice. “Shrek… You have a cock, don’t you?”

Shrek smiled brightly. “Yes I do! It’s green and smells like onions, but everyone loves it. I have a show every Wednesday night at the local theatre where me and my friends do a puppet thing. But instead of puppets, we use our penises! It’s great.”

“Fantastic! I always wanted a famous dick.”

“Huh?”

Monsieur Croissant pounced greedily upon the ogre and started ripping his trousers off. “Your dick shall be mine, and I will reign supreme! I shall be the king of cock!” screamed a clearly delusional Monsieur Croissant. 

“Well excuuuuuse me, but no crazy pastry is going to steal my prize penis!” yelled Shrek, and jumped to his feet again. He pulled his pants the rest of the way off, and suddenly the air filled with a strong smell of onions. “Now, to take care of you, twat—“ and he unleashed a waterfall of piss from his green cock. Monsieur Croissant screamed and tried to escape, but it was too late. The massive onslaught of pee pummeled him to the ground and he fell unconscious. “Good riddance, fucktard,” said a satisfied Shrek, and he turned to leave. 

“Just a minute,” croaked Chat from where he still lay on the picnic blanket. 

“What is it now?” snapped Shrek. 

“Can I taste your cock?”

“Of course you can, little kitty,” Shrek said, and an evil grin spread across his face. He went over to where the cock-hungry Chat lay and forced him to his knees. He was just about to push his dick down Chat’s throat, but Ladybug interrupted at the last second. 

“Stop it!” she yelled. “Chat you have tasted quite enough cock for today. And—wait… Chat! Chat! What’s happening to you?”

As she had been speaking, Chat Noir had suddenly started convulsing and clutching his stomach. He was now screaming with sheer agony. “It’s Monsieur Croissant’s cock… I think it’s cumming… very, very hard…” he choked out. 

Shrek spat onto the ground in disgust. “You’re screaming too much, and your screams are ugly anyway. You are not worthy enough to suck my dick,” he sneered. He grabbed Ladybug’s shoulder. “You will have to do it instead,” he said, forcing a terrified Ladybug to her knees and shoving his now throbbing cock in her face. 

“No!” came Chat’s feeble cry, and he lunged forward to sink his teeth into Shrek’s calf. The ogre let out a roar of pain, and Ladybug took the opportunity to escape. Shrek turned around to face Chat, prepared to strike, and Chat began to sweat with fear… But then his face settled into a look of determination, which was hard to pull off given his condition. “If I can’t suck your cock… NO ONE can!” he shouted, and he bit off Shrek’s penis. 

“NO!” screamed Shrek. He fell to the ground, sobbing with pain and sadness. Fresh blood was flooding out of the place where his dick had once been. “My famous cock… all gone…” 

And those were the last words he was ever to say, for at that moment he collapsed and died from shock and blood loss. He fell right onto the still-unconscious body of Monsieur Croissant, who was killed immediately. 

But now, there was still the problem of the raging, climaxing cock stuck inside Chat’s stomach. Ladybug knew that she had to get it out somehow or Chat would be dead soon. How was she meant to do that? 

“I know!” she exclaimed suddenly! “Lucky Charm!” she cried, summoning her power. She wondered what it would give her— hopefully something useful…

She looked at what had fallen into her hands: a bottle labelled ‘Wonder Medicine- Drink this, and all orgasming dicks will be banished from your stomach!’ “Perfect!” she smiled. “I didn’t even know this existed, but, apparently it does.”

Ladybug knelt down beside Chat and offered him the bottle. “Drink up!” she smiled. He took it in his shaking hands and downed the whole thing.

A blinding flash of light erupted from Chat’s body, and Ladybug shrieked in pain and shielded her eyes. When it was over, she turned to look at Chat. He was smiling, no longer in pain, and the wriggling cock of the late Monsieur Croissant lay at his feet. “Chat! I’m so glad you’re okay!” she exclaimed with relief. “Now that all this crazy stuff is over, we can finally leave.”

But she was wrong. All the crazy stuff was not over, and Ladybug realised this as she saw the wild look coming into Chat’s eyes. He opened his mouth to scream… “COOOOOOCK!! MUST HAVE COCK!!! COOOOOOCK!! MUST HAVE COCK!!! COOOOOOCK!!”

Ladybug groaned and put her head in her hands. “Is this some kind of dumbass side effect form that bottle thing? Oh god.”

“WHICH COCK SHALL I SUCK?”

Ladybug decided to take him seriously – what harm could it do? She thought for a moment, and when she had an answer, her facial expression turned to one that looked very much like ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°). “Well, I think Adrien Agreste’s cock would taste very nice.”

“OKAY,” came the response. “PLAGG, DETRANSFORM ME!” Chat shouted, and he began detransforming.

“What are you doing?” exclaimed Ladybug. “We’re meant to keep our identities secret from each other! Stop! Please.” She turned away, trying not to see his true identity. He was obviously not aware of what he was doing. 

“BUT YOU’RE ABOUT TO DETRANSFORM TOO!” he pointed out. (Another side effect of the bottle thing was that he spoke really loudly all the time.) And it was true. She hadn’t been paying attention, but her earrings had been beeping because she had just used her lucky charm. She was down to one spot… and just then, she lost the last of her transformation and became Marinette again. Tikki landed on the floor, rubbing her head in pain. 

“Oh no. This isn’t good,” muttered Marinette. 

“MMMM!! ADRIEN’S COCK DOES TASTE GOOD!” shouted Chat. His voice sounded a bit muffled on the last word, like he had something in his mouth. A dick, to be exact.

“Chat, what are you…. OH,” Marinette exclaimed as she turned around to see a detransformed Chat trying, with much difficulty, to suck his own dick. He was only following her advice from before, though, because as it turned out Chat _was_ Adrien.

Adrien stood up. “YOU MUST TRY IT!” he commanded, pulling Marinette down to her knees and forcing her face to his cock. She was taken by surprise, so it was easy to get her lips touching the tip of his dick… and as soon as she did, a change came over Adrien. “Marinette? What are you… Holy shit,” he exclaimed, turning red and trying to pull up his pants. “Wasn’t Ladybug here before? Wait… why am I in civilian form? I thought I was Chat!” His face contorted into a frown. It took him a minute, but then something clicked. “Are you Ladybug?”

Marinette gave a small nod.

“Marinette…”

“…Yes?”

“…Can I suck your cock?”


End file.
